Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
