I wish my penis had an off switch
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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