I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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