If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
