It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
