Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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