It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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