He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
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I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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