Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
