Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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