Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
