nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
