I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
i think my cat just said my name.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
