Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
