I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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