Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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