i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
