Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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