dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
