I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
