Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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