***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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