She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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