I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
