true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
