when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
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She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
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I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE