Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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