pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
