dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
