Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
