Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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