I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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