you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
