i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just took my morning after pill in the library
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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