I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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