I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
