It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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