If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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