i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
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A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
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She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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