____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
