my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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