i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
