You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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