I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
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curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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