Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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