just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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