speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
