So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
