There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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