She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
