If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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