I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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