she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
sarcasm needs its own font
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
