I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
