I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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