Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.