woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!