Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
