You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
