Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
