New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
His hands were made for my vagina.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
