First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
