how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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